Help. My loved one died. How am I supposed to grieve?

Step 1: Breathe. This is step one. Repeat as necessary. This is going to hurt. I'm not going to lie to you. Literally, grief is like a steak knife in your heart. Each little perforation creates a puncture wound more painful than the last. Unlike childbirth, there's no epidural. Get comfortable sitting in the dark. And breathe.

I'm so sorry. (You'll hear these words a lot...)

So sorry.

You'll never be the same. (No one tells you this. You're going to lose a part of yourself as well.) Dig Deep. Cry. Welcome to this exclusive club for humans who have endured the most profound experience of loss that exists. You'll notice your perspective on certain things might change, especially seeing people get annoyed at the little things. You know what matters.

It will be okay.

You will breathe again without heaviness. And it won't hurt. I promise you. I can't say when. Don't focus on that yet.

Surrender for now.

Let's walk through this together. I did a lot of things I regret during the grieving process. I'm writing this so you can learn from my mistakes.

Step 2: Don't worry about the paperwork or throwing away belongings. Yet. The mundane realities of life are going to come crashing down on you. You don't have to be strong. In fact, when you show others vulnerability, it makes them more comfortable to process their feelings. Grief is a form of love. It's okay to cry.

I didn't know that grief will manifest in all different forms of emotions besides tears. The five stages of grief happen AT THE SAME TIME. No one told me this. For example, I would become furious every time my government computer locked up. I had no patience for anything or anyone. Then, I'd be upset with myself. I'd check my dad's Facebook page, remember he died, and cry or swear at him for leaving us. I should have cried more. See 1 above.

Step 3: Do Hug. Even the random coworker that you barely know. If someone offers you kindness, take it. Accept it. Memorize it. While you are reflecting on how much this HURTS, you're going to witness the beauty in the smallest tokens of kindness and compassion. The stranger that offers you a tissue. The person in the hallway that asks if you're okay. The person who holds the door open for you slightly longer than necessary and gives you a genuine smile. The man on the airplane who lets you cry on his shoulder. I mention this gentleman a lot, but his compassion meant a lot to me. I hope he reads paranormal books and I can thank him someday.

Step 4: Find friends you can ugly cry to. This advice applies to men too. C'mon guys, let it rip. Sob. It's okay. Don't let the standards set by toxic masculinity hold you back from healing. I had three friends I routinely called while too choked up with tears to talk. Instead, they talked to me. They didn't try to give me advice. They reminded me how this pain will fade. The tears do slow down and come in more predictable waves. I stopped wearing mascara for a while.

Step 5: Don't push yourself at work. I ended up having a trial a couple of months after my dad's death. Big Mistake. I broke down in my car almost every morning and couldn't figure out why. Before my dad's death, I loved the courtroom, especially the stressors and pressure. I guess it didn't help that my trial partner was unprofessional and off the rails herself. Seriously, she was a nut job. However, any stress can trigger you. It's not limited to experiences tied to reminders of your loved one.

Step 6: Set boundaries. People don't know how to treat you. You're damaged, but it's a vicious cycle. People will look to you to set your boundaries. You don't know how to set the boundaries or ask for what you need. And you keep waiting for them to understand. Your silence means they'll assume you want life to go on as normal. I'm giving you permission to ask for help or say no. For example, if someone's arm was chopped off at the shoulder, would you expect them to function like normal? No. However, people will forget your condition and ask you to do unimaginable things. My boss asked me to help a grieving family with their son's unexpected death after only a few weeks of my dad's death. I cannot count how many clients I made cry in explaining why estate documents are important...because no daughter should have to decide whether to end her father's life at 2 a.m. Clearly, I was allowing my feelings to impact my work during lesser matters. I said no to my boss and he understood. I had to say no on multiple occasions after this. Give people some leeway for being obtuse. Give yourself some breathing room. Just say no.

Step 7: Don't dye your hair blond. Don't go buy a BMW. Don't make any big decisions during this time. Acknowledge the chemicals in your brain aren't working. I don't know why but I sort of went through a mid-life crisis about 3-4 months after my dad's death. I'm not sure if other people go through this. Everything around me felt faded, aged, and tired. I wanted to feel youthful again. Now, I realize I wanted the arrogance of my youth back. The feeling that I was invincible, nothing could go wrong in my world, and the people I loved didn't die. And my father was a super human with flaws, but not someone capable of dying. No material items can satisfy return this naivete. After spending money and making foolish decisions, I found out the hard way that the healing process was a mental one.

Step 8: Do spend time with your family and the people who are still here. Don't become so focused on the people no longer here that you don't appreciate those left behind. At my dad's funeral, I connected with family members that I hadn't spoken to in years. I focused on trying to reconnect to the living. Honor my father's memory by talking with the people he loved. At first, the memories of my dad made this connection challenging, but plant the seeds now for later.

Step 9. Find your purpose. Yes, your heart is broken. There's a silver lining to this. The cracks in your heart allow some light to shine through. This light means you'll receive nudges on how to heal. It might be hard because others won't understand the shift in your thinking. You do you. You realize now how short life is. Don't hold yourself back because of what others think. For example, about six months (for me) is when I began to question why are we here. I ignored the question and continued plugging along in my daily life, but I wanted a family. I wanted more people in the world to love. I wanted a baby. This was an extreme deviation from my position of the last 35 years that I don't want children OR like children. I had to admit I was wrong. I conversed with many people who didn't understand the reversal of my attitude. I know some questioned my ability to love a child. I stopped explaining myself. Having my son was the best decision I made. We're all capable of love in every capacity. Fuck those people. Follow your inclinations as long as they come from a healthy place (not one where you're sobbing your eyes out, but the kind that show up in the shower or while your driving).

Step 10: Don't ignore those nudges. I did. That's how I found myself still grieving two years later. During those years, I experienced happiness and joy, but on a shallow level. Sure, I was no longer a sobbing mess. No one knew the extent to which I ignored unpleasant feelings. And I ignored my desire to write a book. I would tell myself that I'm crazy or everyone says no one wants to read about vampires. Why would I want to write a book about that? The universe pressed on. The idea kept popping in my head. I was torn. Annoyed. Why couldn't I be happy? Isn't everyone else happy? No. They're not.

I was in the fortunate position that two forces converged. I googled life coach and found Christine. https://christinemariespeaks.com/

I had to suspend my disbelief because the moment I talked with Christine on the phone, tears were pulled from inside me. The disconnect between my mind that said I was fine and the grief pouring from my body told me I needed to talk to her. I don't know if there are more Christine's out there, but try to find a mentor who will encourage you to follow those nudges and support you. The entire world wants me to be a lawyer and make money. I want to be an author and write stories for people. When everyone else told me my dream was crazy or irresponsible, Christine encouraged me to turn within myself for the guidance. She'll be a guest on my podcast "The Type C" if you want to hear more about Christine.

Another important person in my life is Thomas Miller. I found Thomas through his podcast. https://subconsciousmindmastery.com/. Thomas did an episode on the north node and south node in someone's birth chart. Yes, I'm talking astrology here. Trust me. Before this episode, I thought astrology was mumbo jumbo. Malarkey. Throw in other words for generalized nonsense. However, Thomas proved to me it's not.

https://subconsciousmindmastery.com/podcast-140-website-instructions-north-node/

The north node is your life's purpose. I'm a cancer north node. https://astrostyle.com/cancer-north-node-capricorn-north-node/

Suddenly, this constant inner battle with myself made sense. I am driven career-wise, but that's not my purpose. That's why climbing the corporate ladder, no matter how high I go, feels empty to me. My best friend has a north node where it's her purpose to achieve. If you look up the people in your life and review their north/south nodes, a lot of things make sense and you can gain perspective. Some will scoff at this. It's okay. This won't resonate with everyone. It did for me.

After reading this north node/south node stuff, I set an appointment for a reading with Thomas. The fact I am a writer and a communicator is in my chart. This skill is utilized and fulfilled by my work as a lawyer, but I also have creativity. My birth chart and understanding the forces at play helped me understand myself better. The more I understand myself the more confident I became in following my path. If something doesn't feel good, I've stopped doing it.

FINALLY ---

Step 11 - Infinity: DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY. This might mean letting things go in your life that no longer serve you. Following that light you can feel growing inside you. This means old friendships might fall apart because there's no depth anymore. Changing where you live. Switching careers. Traveling. Taking time to connect. Learning humility (this is a hard one). Spreading kindness and compassion.

Grief taught you how to function in the world with an invisible sucking chest wound. Now, use that knowledge and realize every human is injured in some way. If not, grief will come for them eventually. So, with this perspective, be kind. You know first-hand what it's like to be hurt and empathetic people are what keeps this world turning. Be one of them. It's time to join this club. Apologies for the rough initiation.

I'm still on this journey with you. I can't say this advice is perfect. See my disclaimer below. I can tell you that it's genuine when I smile or laugh with no tinge of sadness that happiness is only temporary. I cry, but I know it's episodic with a finite ending. I can enjoy my son asking me to open a box, close a box, and repeat a million times because I appreciate his essence as a little human. I can sit in the chaos of my life and smile from the sheer beauty of the moment. You'll get there too.

*This is my subjective experience and does not constitute legal advice or substitute the advice of a trained mental health or medical professional.