CRIMINALS OF CUTENESS: TURN YOURS IN HERE
Advocates of the Fifth Amendment need not apply. I'm offering readers' pets an opportunity to confess to the crimes they've committed in exchange for a reasonable plea bargain, the terms to be discussed. I've always thought being a judge would be boring because who wants to judge humans? Cute pets: that's another story entirely. I'll also feature the "cutest" pet in my newsletter once I get that going. If you want to send a photo without being featured, please let me know. Also, don't worry about drafting the charges perfectly because I can assist. All I need is a brief description of the allegations and I can take it from there. Owner information shall be kept anonymous, however, I can't guarantee complete anonymity for criminals of cuteness who commit crimes for notoriety or five seconds of fame on my site.
Riley will be a frequent flyer I think. His sweet nature makes him an easy target for peer pressure from Cali. Plus, he has very little impulse control and never takes responsibility for anything. He's a defense attorney's worst nightmare of a client because of how guilty he looks when you ask, "who did that?" You don't even have to ask him directly and he'll cower. Don't be fooled by that adorable face. He's a fraudster.
Riley's crime today? Trespassing. Not on me, but on Cali. His insane jealousy, which the court has warned him about, leads him to jumping on Cali and disturbing her sleep. Sleep is highly valued in this household. However, the only evidence I found was Cali's unhappy face and a groan when she had to move. I couldn't grab an image. He gets off easy today.
Anyway, if you also have a pet leaning towards crimes, feel free to send in a CUTE picture* your pet may be featured here and receive the opportunity for a plea bargain. I'm sure Riley will keep this page busy for a while, especially because he loves chewing Jack's toys.
The asterisk only applies to weirdos.
*(If some sicko sends me a photo of animal abuse or cruelty (you know who you are), I have friends at the FBI (including their cyber crimes unit) that I will happily report you to and assist in your prosecution. You can ask a Nigerian prince how well scamming my family worked out. : )
